XCOM's Unofficial Rulebook
by Knavethefish
Summary: An account of all the bad ideas and weird situations that have ever occurred during XCOM's lifespan. Most of the credit goes to r/XCOM for the ideas.
1. Chapter 1

The XCOM Provisional Rulebook

Compiled by Major Daniel "The Typo" Simmons

Stories provided by the men and women of the XCOM project

 _Foreword_

 _This provisional rulebook has been constructed in an attempt to limit the number of casualties among members of the XCOM project, following a great many unfortunate incidents among staff and field operatives alike. This rulebook has been some 20 years in the making, following my participation in the XCOM project in 2015 and my recovery in 2030. It's clear to me that some members of the project don't take their jobs very seriously, so I've been authorized to provide you all with a list of things NOT to do and the accompanying results. These rules are written in the order in which the event was remembered or documented and you have been provided with an account of the situation for reference._

 **Rule 1: The Commander is not a deity of any kind; don't refer to him as such**

Sgt. Milander,

I am contacting you to put an end to this foolishness about the Commander being a god. To begin with, 'forming a triangle of subservient human flesh' outside of the Commander's office prevents the Commander from leaving and blocks all passage through that hallway. Adding "All Hail the Commandy One" as an addendum to all references to the Commander is extremely disrespectful and is considered insubordination. In addition, you may not refer to the Commander as a fallen god simply because we lost the war. The activities of XCOM are not the Commander's attempts to regain his ivory throne atop the world and you may not tell this to new recruits, nor can you otherwise attempt to inspire religious fervor in new recruits

*All Hail the Commandy One has been written in a different person, then scratched out*

The next day, a large banner outside the mess hall proclaimed "XCOM Vets Against Religious Oppression". Despite not breaking the rules due to the technicality of inspiring religious fervor in _new_ recruits, Sergeant Milander was ordered to report to the Commander's Office for discipline. To this day, some staff members whisper tales of the Commandy One to one another, and there have been complaints of field operatives shouting "For the Great Commandy One" as a battle cry.

 **Rule 2:** **While inventive, grappling hooks may not be used to bring enemies closer**

Name: Sq. Herman Trill

Condition: Stable

Description of wounds: Light lacerations along arms and face, minor concussion, one broken rib, and a dislocated shoulder

Synopsis: Squaddie Trill was reportedly in the middle of an intense firefight, when Trill noticed there was only one remaining enemy entrenched in deep cover, he decided to use his Skeleton Suit's grappling hook to pull the enemy out of cover. Squaddie Trill supposedly stood up and shouted "Get over here!" before firing the grappling hook. Unfortunately for Trill, the hook lodged itself into an enemy Muton's armor. The Muton saw this and began to run in the opposite direction. Trill's shoulder was immediately dislocated, and Trill was dragged into a motorcycle, over a concrete divider, and swung through the front and rear windows of a car. This was cut short by Lt. Pakston killing the Muton with her sniper rifle. The team spent some time removing the hook from the alien's armor, forcing Big Sky to wait in a potential hot zone for fifteen minutes while the hook was removed and Trill was retrieved from the car.

Physician's note: We've received several cases like this and it's getting annoying. I'll admit to finding the injury funny the first time, but this is the fourth incident. Whichever pencil-neck plasma jockey is telling our inexperienced soldiers that this is a good idea needs to be tasked with French-kissing a Thin Man.

 **Rule 3:** **Rookies may not be used or referred to as a disposable resource**

To all personnel,

We are trying to maintain a positive image of XCOM in order to regularly recruit soldiers to our cause, and to this end we encourage soldiers to advise rookies on how to behave in the field. Lt. Mueller's methods of using rookies to absorb incoming fire are highly unorthodox and extremely dangerous, and should never be attempted again. In addition, rookies may not be referred to as any of the following: red-shirts, target practice, meat shields, mobile cover, bullet monkeys, blood bags, the distraction, or dead men walking. The list is not all-encompassing and any other morale-reducing names should be considered prohibited. As a reminder, rookies are to be treated with respect and not treated as though they are an infinitely expendable form of protection for those of higher rank.

 **Rule 4: Captured hardware cannot be personalized**

 _The following is the transcript of an announcement_

To all personnel currently staffed in Engineering, we are pleased that the appropriation of the alien craft is going well, but you are to be reminded that this hardware is not your property, nor is it the property of the Engineering department. That said, we don't know who painted the name Doof-Wagon onto the side of the UFO and attached speakers that constantly play Danger Zone on loop, but the name and attachments to the UFO aren't your decision to make. If you do it again we will be forced to interrogate the staff until one of you confesses.

 **Rule 5: Psi soldiers are to use their abilities on enemies only**

Rookie Stanowitcz laughed as he sat next to Captain Penn's stolen clothes. He'd been on base for only a month, and he'd already established himself as a troublemaker. His latest prank had involved stealing Penn's clothes and towel as he entered the shower and heading to the barracks, thus forcing Penn to walk naked to the barracks to retrieve his clothes, in full view of everyone. Ten minutes later, Captain Penn entered the barracks, his skin still slightly wet from his shower. He made no attempt to cover himself as he stood in front of a snickering Stanowitcz. Calmly, Penn put a hand to his temple and focused. The rookie immediately began punching himself in the face repeatedly. Stanowitcz found he couldn't stop himself, or even resist the movements of his arms. Penn's voice chanted in imitation of a child, "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself" as Stanowitcz beat his own face with his fists. Within a minute, the recruit had punched himself into unconsciousness, allowing Penn to stare at the rookie and smile as he reached for his uniform.


	2. Chapter 2

XCOM PR-2

 **Rule 6: XCOM is here to help others, but the Nigerian Prince thing is a scam**

To the esteemed Jennifer Trill,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your contact from the International web site directory. I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to its esteeming nature and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person I can do business with and by the recommendations I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business.

I am Wumi Abdul; the only Daughter of late Mr. and Mrs. George Abdul. My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan, the economic capital of Ivory Coast before he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outing to discuss on a business deal. When my mother died on the 1st October 2019, my father took me and my younger brother HASSAN special because we are motherless. Before the death of my father on 30th June 2023 in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of $12.500.000 (Twelve Million, five hundred thousand dollars) left in a suspense account in a local Bank here in Abidjan, that he used my name as his first Daughter for the next of kin in deposit of the fund.

He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money his business associates supposed to balance his from the deal they had that he was poisoned by his business associates, that I should seek for a God fearing foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, (such as real estate management). Sir, we are honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways.

1) To provide a Bank account where this money would be transferred to.  
2) To serve as the guardian of this since I am a girl of 26 years.

Moreover Sir, we are willing to offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designate account overseas.

Greatest Regards,

Wumi Abdul

 **Rule 7: Help operatives in need, don't try to entice the enemy to intercourse**

My name is Rookie Bridget Chen, and I have nearly died during the course of multiple missions when I was constricted by a "Viper" alien, and my squad mates failed to help me. On my first mission, when we encountered a Viper I was unaware of just what they could do. Needless to say, I didn't question my orders to move into melee range, but I very quickly found myself trapped by the alien, and rather than help me my squad mates began to play "Let's get it on" by Marvin Gaye. To this day that song haunts me. On subsequent missions I became skeptical, but I had no choice but to obey orders. Among my squad it became a running joke. Sometimes they'd play "I'll get you what you want". At other times it would be "I can't feel my face." Sometimes they wouldn't even play music. They'd just stand there and wolf whistle or talking about 'the hot action'. However, since my marriage to Subject V-8801, she's been administering constriction therapy to me in my off time with the aid of our resident psychologist. While I'm still mostly healed I still have nightmares about those sensual sax notes. There are some nights when I wake up and I feel her coils on me and my muscles lock up and my heart starts racing. I hope none of you have to fear your spouses just because of the reckless actions of your superior officers. This is why I'm pressing the Rookie Respect Initiative and I firmly believe in equal treatment regardless of rank. If you're interested we meet in the mission control room near the Hologlobe the first day of every month.

 **Rule 8: Throwing anything other than grenades in combat is forbidden**

From the desk of Dr. R. Shen,

 _Commander, I'm unsure of if that recent MEC recruit's actions could be considered to break code, so I've detailed them for your consideration on this matter._

Recently MEC troopers have been reported as throwing SHIV units and even other operatives at X-Rays and around base. While the operatives normally survive completely uninjured, I fear this may be a problem. I've asked them to stop throwing operatives for the time being, and I thought that put an end to it. Then another MEC trooper was throw into the door of my office, severely denting it and surprising me but otherwise causing no harm. Apparently our operatives have been volunteering for what they call 'fastball duty'. I informed them of the dangers of such action and that even volunteering is unwise. The primary perpetrator (who shall remain unnamed) has told me that SHIV units have volunteered. I've asked him to report to Medical and banned the use of MEC suits on the base until you order otherwise.


End file.
